In most intimate relationships the sex between the two people starts off being really good. There is an element of novelty, of discovering what each other like and basically sharing a new intimacy. It is a honeymoon period and will usually wear off after a year or two. However long the honeymoon lasts it is disappointing when it ends.
“Does this mean I chose the wrong person?”
“Why is this happening to me again?”
Most couples find a way through this phase, but the sex becomes a bit ritualistic. You both know what works and accept that this is what is available. If this continues for too long then the frequency and intensity of sexual activity will steadily decline and one or both partners will notice that other people are becoming more attractive. At this stage it is quite common for people to talk about the fact that they are finding sex unsatisfactory and want to explore ways of making the sex better – they may even go to a sex therapist. But the sex is not the problem. It is the intimacy that is the source of the difficulties.
It took Eva and I a while to discover this. We noticed that when we were having an argument or carrying some resentment, then any sexual activity was significantly less satisfying. In contrast, when we felt closer than normal then the sex was always more satisfying. We are not the only ones to have noticed this. Here is an account of a woman who discovered that intimacy was able to keep her sexuality alive even after serious breast cancer. As she says “Walking through fire with your partner and still being totally desired, having someone caress or kiss your scarred breasts not because they look perfect but because they belong to you, now that is what is truly sexy.”
So if the sex between you and your partner has become boring or unfulfilling, pay attention to your intimacy together. The prerequisite for this is spending enough quality time alone together. When was the last time you had a romantic evening together? The next thing to pay attention to is any resentments or stuff that is unresolved between you; you have to talk about these issues and come to some mutual understanding – even if you cannot totally agree. We always found doing dyads together really helpful. A good starting point is the Relating Dyad. The aim is to steadily improve the level of openness and contact between you. As you do so you will find that the quality of sex together improves – and may change in other ways as well.
There is one other strategy to address sexual issues that Eva and I used early in our relationship, namely the Creative Law. This is a seven step process (described below) that enables an individual to obtain what they want. It is more powerful when done by two people together. Eva and I did this in order to improve our sexual relationship – and then found out what we had to face! Basically we had to start to face the sexual hurt we had experienced in previous relationships; until that was cleared away we could not be open again sexually. So the Creative Law can help, but it will not avoid whatever is in the way – it will just run you into it faster.
The Creative Law
1. Decide exactly what it is that you want. Be precise. It’s not good enough to say “I want to be rich”. You have to boil it down to exactly how much money you want. Is it £1000 or £1 million?
2. Check that you feel that you deserve it. This may involve you modifying what it is you go for. If you do not feel you deserve it you will not be able to put your energy behind the process – and it won’t work.
3. Create a scene in which you already have what you want
It can be quite simple, such as you telling another person about it. Or it can be more complex involving consequences of getting what you want. Just create the scene at this stage.
4. Use the scene to check that it is right for you to get what it is that you want – check that your motives are positive. If you find that there are negative motives involved then you won’t be able to put your energy into the process, so go back and revise what you want until you can get past this stage.
5. Make the scene come alive by imagining that you are actually in the scene. Do this as intensely as you can for 20-30 seconds. This is where you put your energy into it.
6. Know that the process will work. This should be a reaction to the completion of step 5. You do not have to do anything. As your energy runs out in step five there will just be a sense that it’s OK and you have done what is necessary. It is a bit of a subtle sense, so don’t go looking for something big.
7. Let it all go. One way to do this is to imagine all your thoughts, feelings and images being placed in a balloon which then floats off into the sky. The key thing is to go through some completion process that allows you to leave the issue alone for a while.
A. Never use this process to manipulate another person. This is black magic and brings negative karma i.e. unpleasant results.
B. The process will not accept a time constraint. You can ask the universe for what you want, but you cannot force the issue. You may have to face things and go through difficulties before you can actually get what you want.
C. If any of the checks (steps 2,4 and 6) fail then return to an earlier step and make suitable modifications before trying again.
D. Most people use the Creative Law unconsciously on things that they fear. They decide that they deserve it and then imagine it happening to them and then put a lot of emotional energy into the fantasy. If you catch yourself using the creative law in this negative sense then do your best to create a conscious and positive version to counteract the negative. The more you can use the process consciously and positively the more you will be in control of your life.
E. The process works more powerfully when done by two (or more) people. The process must be done completely together i.e. you discuss each step together and develop a shared vision (step 3) together and both put your energy into the vision (step 5) together.