It is obvious to us that we are going through a unique process. We have worked on ourselves and our relationship for more than 40 years. I am blessed by a cancer that develops slowly enough for us to adapt to each new indignity and loss of function. As a result we are actually having a lot of insights and fun whilst I slowly decline towards death.  But then every death will be unique in its own way. Every relationship will come to an end it its own unique way. This means that some of what we think we have learned may be completely irrelevant to the process when you are facing the end. On the other hand some of it, maybe even a lot of it, may prove to be very useful. There’s no way to know. So here are the things that we think are the most important.

1. Be completely and brutally honest.

This has been something we have practiced throughout our relationship. But it was severely tested when it came to issues around death. Do I tell Eva that I think I’m close to the end?  Dare I tell Jake that here are things I’m looking forward to when he’s dead? The answer to these questions is “Yes! tell everything just as it is”. That way you remain in a vibrant relationship. If you start not saying stuff then you are prematurely ending the relationship. Don’t hold back anything.

This has been particularly important for Eva who has had to face more than me. She has felt angry, distraught, furious, grief and overwhelmed by the thought of losing me for good. She has allowed herself to fully express all these feelings as they have arisen. As a result she has been able to continue to stay present and be with me throughout the journey.  The grief weighed on her for at least the first two years, but recently even that has lifted to some degree and she is now able to look forward to some aspects of life after I die.

2. Be prepared

 There is a taboo about thinking about death in our culture. But once it becomes a possibility it is really important to think about what needs to be done ahead of the day when it ends. I realised that there were numerous things for which I had taken responsibility that I had to write down so Eva could find out about them. Basic stuff like passwords to the financial accounts I had opened for our savings, how to cancel subscriptions I had taken out, whom to contact if the solar system went wrong and so on. I wrote her three manuals (one on finance, one on the house and barns and one on all the appliances). I also found gardeners who could take over the running of our smallholding ( grow all our fruit and veg and until recently kept chickens for eggs and meat.) I’ve written  a manual for the vegetable and fruit gardeners so that they understand how I managed things. I’ve also had all the small repairs I’ve been putting off completed so Eva doesn’t have to worry about them.

3. Talk about funerals etc

Some people want to plan their funerals themselves. I have the attitude that I won’t be there, it’s entirely up to Eva what she wants to do. But we needed to talk about this to establish that this was the case. Some people regard such conversations as morbid – they aren’t, they’re essential.

4. Surrender

When Eva told someone that I had terminal cancer they said “how is he fighting it?”. I am not fighting it at all. Maybe it’s because I’m over 80 and have had a really fantastic life that I find it easy to accept. Maybe it’s because I have worked on myself and had many experiences of the Divine. Maybe it’s because I practised surrender meditation for more than a decade. Maybe it’s because 18 months before I knew I had a cancer I researched near-death experiences in detail and became convinced that some consciousness survives the death of the brain. Maybe all these things have helped. Whatever the reason I have accepted that there is no treatment for my condition and that the best I can do is to accept whatever comes next, adapt to it and carry on living as best as I can. And it has paid off. I’m enjoying my life and have done so for most of the last 2+ years. I’m a living man, not a dying man.

5. Saying goodbye

Whenever I reflected on what it was going to be like dying, the thing that caused me most grief and anguish was the thought of saying goodbye to Eva for the last time. That still brings tears to my eyes. But doing the Dying Dyad has helped enormously. We have shared so much about our regrets and appreciations that it makes facing the end easier – but still not easy.

With our children it has been harder for them. We had them all here for a weekend with their partners, but without their children, so we could talk openly about my death and everything associated with it.  For example I explained that I did not want them here at the time of my death; I wanted to share that with just Eva because we can make Divine contact when alone, but not with other people around. We also spent time discussing the inheritance, what it involved and how things would be managed. They agreed that my youngest son, a qualified Financial Adviser, would handle probate and become Eva’s advisor. In short we made sure that everything that needed to be agreed was done so well before I passed away.

In my life I have had several different careers, all of which had profound effects on other people. Many of those people wanted to come and say goodbye when they heard that I was dying This has been a rewarding process for them and us; it is a bit like a living funeral with people saying what they appreciated about me and us. Some people even recorded interviews and have made films as a result of the process. But after several months I found the process stressful and we had to call an end to the process. We are pleased we did. The time since then has been stress free and blissful. As a result my physical condition has improved and I anticipate being around a bit longer.

Incidentally the most satisfying way of saying goodbye to friends was to do the dying dyad with them. It is a profound, simple and elegant way to say what needs to be said.