Why a Dyad?

This is a simple communication structure that ensures that each person is, in turn, heard and understood. It is based on a ‘communication cycle’ in which person 1 gives an instruction, person 2 responds to the instruction and during the response person 1 simply listens and refrains from any reaction or response. The cycle is completed by person 1 thanking the other person. Then the roles swap over. Communications should not refer to or comment upon what the other person has said. It is best for the person receiving the instruction to take a moment and see what arises in response to the instruction before talking.

This structure is a core part of the process in an Enlightenment Intensive that we taught for many years, so we are very familiar with its use. It’s application to relationship issues is described in detail here and here.

Why we needed a dying dyad

It became progressively clearer to me that one of the main causes of my cough and breathlessness was the medication that I had been given to prevent blood clotting in the stents I had had fitted in 2023. Each time I ceased taking the medication, usually for a procedure, I noticed I coughed less and was a lot less breathless. In June 2024 I researched the safety of ceasing the medication entirely and was delighted to discover that with the particular stents I had it was completely safe to stop (this is explained in detail here). However my cardiologist strongly disagreed and said I was risking premature death. After discussing it at length with Eva we decided it was better for me, and us, if I ceased the medication and had a better quality of life, even if this meant there was a chance of a premature death. However we also realised that if I were to die from a clot in my stent it would be very quick without any warning. So we wanted to initiate a process of saying goodbye to each other in case I died suddenly. This was why we developed the dying dyad.

The Four Instructions

Tell me how you feel about dying/me dying; Thank you

Tell me any regrets or apologies you have before I die/you die: Thank you

Tell me any appreciations or thank yous you have before I die/you die: Thank you

Tell me anything else you wish to say for completeness before I die/you die: Thank you

A recent Example

As well as doing the Dying Dyad once a week, we also do the Relating Dyad once a week and a simple “Tell me what you are” dyad. We have used dyads as a regular part of maintaining our relationship for more than 40 years, so this is a process that has served us well.