It is hard for anyone under 50 to really accept that they are going to die, and that before they die they are likely to suffer a large number of indignities as they age. As a result there are innumerable eating and health fads designed to aid this denial. We have watched a large number come and go. I do not imagine that anything I write will cause anyone to change their attitudes to ageing, health or dying.  But I do think it is worth recording some of what we have learned so that when the penny drops you, the reader, may be slightly better prepared.

For most people the first sign of ageing is the need for reading glasses in their mid forties. For women menopause gives another brutal reminder. At about the same age (50-55) men realise that their strength and stamina is beginning to decline. By the time someone is in their 70s the reality of old age hits and their mortality comes into view. None of it is pretty. Obviously if someone has been abusing or neglecting their body for a long time trouble may hit sooner. But no matter how carefully one nurtures the body it starts to wear out in unpredictable ways by one’s 70s.

I, Eva really found increasing stiffness and hearing loss particularly difficult. As my 70s progressed I found getting up and down from a chair increasingly difficult and stairs more of a problem, and my balance very tottery. So I now do two Pilates classes a week, and Jake has built railings to any stairs in our up and down garden. I use walking poles as well.

I loved my acute hearing ability which came in very useful as a teacher and therapist. I hated losing that acuity. I spent the first few years denying it and being unreasonably angry about it. Then I robustly resisted going to hearing specialists and getting hearing aids. What helped in the process was finally realizing that underneath the anger was terrible grief about losing this ability. Recognizing this deep sadness has helped me find ways to accept and navigate my hearing loss.

One of the things that we have learned is that there is no reason for sexual activity to cease. Old people are not supposed to have sex. However if you have nourished an intimate relationship over many years the sex is likely to steadily become better and better. And this is continuing for us as I approach 81 and Eva approaches 79. Of course it is different from the fast and furious sex we had in our thirties. But on balance I think this old age sex is actually far better, I have more pleasure and far more intense orgasms. Older people who give up on sex lose a level of vitality that isn’t necessary.

I, Eva have found that intimacy is the best thing for coping with my declining libido. We often do relating exercises and they are often a good prelude to a sexy evening. One of the things that Jake and I have loved is kissing, so that is also an important starting point. From my dressing up days for parties I have a large wardrobe of sexy party clothes. So I love dressing up and doing a sexy dance for Jake. During lovemaking I often need Jake to prop me up and help to get me up and down. We both recognize that our strength and agility is declining and we make allowances for each other which often has us in paroxysms of laughter. It is all part of the intimacy and closeness and the fun and enjoyment that brings.

Another thing that we have learned is that when something starts to go wrong the sooner you have it thoroughly investigated by medical professionals the better. It is not a sign of neglect that you have cataracts or cannot hear as well, nor is it a source of shame that you need medications to improve prostate health (zinc, selenium and saw palmetto are the keys) or combat type 2 diabetes (slow acting insulin is amazing). Sharing the bodily difficulties actually increases the intimacy between you and makes it all easier to bear. It also provides more opportunities to take care of each other. Old age is a different phase of life that makes the love and affection more precious. The worst thing to do is to try to conceal issues from your partner – that reduces the intimacy and closeness.

Finally I have noticed that my ageing process has been accelerated by having a cancer. My arthritis and bladder function have become noticeably worse. And I have new old age problems, like gout. Fortunately none of these causes me to be in much pain.